


Comments on O'Neill's Ridiculous Draft Requirements

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-24
Updated: 2006-03-24
Packaged: 2019-02-02 18:33:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12732000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Daniel lets Jack know exactly how he feels about the list of requirements for any officer who expects to be commanding Daniel in the field.





	Comments on O'Neill's Ridiculous Draft Requirements

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

MY COMMENTS, JACK, PER YOUR REQUEST:

General Hammond asked me to write up a list of requirements that cover the task of commanding Dr. Daniel Jackson in the field. Against my, my team's, and our Chief Medical Officer's advice, the General has decided to share Daniel's skills with other off-world teams. 

JUST LIKE YOU, JACK, TO TRY TO BLAME THE OTHERS FOR THIS ATTITUDE. I WILL REPEAT THIS AGAIN, O'NEILL: I AM NOT A CHILD. I AM A HIGHLY IN DEMAND PROFESSIONAL WHO KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE MYSELF ON BOTH MISSIONS AND DIGS. I'VE SAVED YOUR BUTT ENOUGH FOR THIS TO GET THROUGH EVEN YOUR RIDICULOUSLY THICK SKULL. KEEP THIS UP, AND YOU ARE SO GOING HOME ALONE TONIGHT! 

1\. Firstly, never expect Dr. Jackson to blindly do what you order him to do. Expect him to do exactly the opposite.

DUH, NO, I AM NOT A MINDLESS MILITARY BOOBY. IT IS MY JOB TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX. IT IS YOUR JOB TO KILL PEOPLE. WHAT DOES THIS DIFFERENCE IN SKILLS TELL YOU, COLONEL O'NEILL? READ MY LIPS: I HAVE AN IMPORTANT DIFFERING PERSPECTIVE THAT GAINS US ALLIES AND TRAPS ENEMIES, WITHOUT THE FINGER ON A TRIGGER, USUALLY.

In fact, for safety's sake, just assume Daniel will do whatever will get you and your team in the worst trouble the fastest. That way, you'll be properly prepared to deal with it when it happens. 

I WASN'T THE ONE WHO BECAME A HUNDRED YEARS OLD IN A WEEK BECAUSE I DIPPED MY BIG, LONG WICK IN THE WRONG CANDLEHOLDER, COLONEL. AND I GOT YOU OUT OF THAT FRIGGING MINE, DESPITE BEING ADDICTED AGAINST MY KNOWLEDGE TO THE SARCOPHAGUS. IN FACT, I'VE SAVED YOUR BUTT MUCHOS TIMES. OKAY, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. A LOT OF THOSE TIMES I'VE BEEN THE ONE TO GET US IN THE SITUATIONS IN THE FIRST PLACE. THAT'S WHAT COMES FROM THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX. 

He doesn't mean to do it. Daniel cares about everyone except Daniel, and reacts accordingly to help. It's who he is.

WITH YOU, TEAL'C, SAM, THE GENERAL, AND JANET TO FUSS ABOUT ME, I EXPECT THAT ME CARING WOULD BE SUPERFLUOUS. I CERTAINLY COULDN'T WORRY ABOUT ME BETTER THAN YOU DO.

2\. Do not waste the time getting angry at Daniel when he does item one above. 

OH? THEN HOW COME YOU DO IT ALL THE TIME? I RARELY GET ANGRY AT YOUR ANNOYING QUALITIES, COLONEL O'NEILL, AND TRUST ME, THEY ARE LEGION.

If you do, the rest of your team, General Hammond, Doctor Fraiser, the entire SGC, and the Tok'ra as well will all make you feel like shit for harassing him for the next week or so. 

AND DESERVEDLY SO.

Even if you are right to be mad, you will still be made to feel like shit. I won't even mention how you'll feel if those blue eyes lose their sparkle for even one second because of your attitude. I won't mention it because you'll be dead, 'cause I'll kill you myself.

OH, WELL, YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO HURT ANYONE, JACK. OKAY, MAYBE YOU CAN COME HOME WITH ME TONIGHT, DEPENDING ON THE REST OF THIS SILLY MEMO.

3\. Do not let Daniel wear himself to the bone by not eating on a dig, or not sleeping enough. I know what you are thinking. Yes, it IS your job to nursemaid him while he does the job the SGC hired him to do. 

YOU MAKE ME SOUND LIKE A COMPLETE NUMBSKULL WHO CAN'T GO TO THE BATHROOM WITHOUT COLONEL JACK O'NEILL HOLDING MY DICK FOR ME. I DON'T NEED A NURSEMAID, AFTER ALL, I HAVE YOU.

You will do it because there is no one who can do that job better than Daniel. You will also do it because if he has dark circles under his eyes or loses even a pound as a result of being on your mission, I, Carter or Teal'c will pummel you to within an inch of your life.

AGAIN WITH THE VIOLENCE. WE NEED TO WORK ON IMPULSE CONTROL, JACK.

4\. Daniel is a snake magnet. Even more, Daniel is an evil magnet. Every snake, warlord, Destroyer of Worlds, spoiled princess, spoiled prince, scummy addicted bounty hunter, cold-assed Tok'ra snake bitch, crotchety Air Force Special Ops Colonel, uptight Marine Special Ops Colonel, uptight Russian General, etc., ad. infinitum will fall in love with him and want to steal him away from you for his or her own personal pleasure. 

THEY DO NOT, FOR GOODNESS SAKES! WELL, ON SECOND THOUGHT, MAYBE THEY DO. RUSSIAN GENERAL? I ONLY TALKED THE MAN INTO LENDING US RUSSIA'S ONLY HOLD OVER THE US FOR A DAY, AND THEN WE DESTROYED IT TO SAVE TEAL'C. ANYONE COULD HAVE DONE IT. THE GENERAL ISN'T IN LOVE WITH ME, AND MAKEPEACE JUST WANTED ME BECAUSE HE THOUGHT YOU HAD ME. AND FREYA LIKES YOU, NOT ME. JACK, THAT BOUNTY HUNTER DIDN'T EVEN WANT A DAYS RATIONS FOR ME, EVEN IF HE DID ASK ME TO FIX HIS WOUND. HE DID IT BECAUSE HE COULD TELL FROM YOUR LASER STARE THAT YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT. IT WAS YOU HE WAS TWEAKING. GET A CLUE, O'NEILL

You will not allow this to happen (with an exception for the Air Force Colonel. You are years too late from stopping that from happening).

YOU CAN DEFINITELY COME HOME WITH ME TONIGHT.

5\. You will instantly kill anyone who tries item 4 above, except the Air Force Colonel (couldn't if you wanted to), the Marine Colonel (already in jail, and I *did* warn him), and the Russian General (could cause diplomatic incident, which would upset General Hammond).

ANGER MANAGEMENT AS WELL AS IMPULSE CONTROL. I'LL TELL MACKENZY TO SCHEDULE YOU RIGHT AWAY.

6\. Daniel hates snakes more than anything else. 

DO YOU BLAME ME? SHAU'REE, SKA'ARRA, SARAH, HATHOR, DYING AND FRIED BRAINS OVER AND OVER, ETC.

He often shows this attitude by pissing whatever snake he happens to be dealing with off by bad-mouthing him or her in the worst situation to be doing that. 

OH, AND YOU JUST SMILE AND SAY G'DAY?

You will attempt to mitigate the results when he does this by bad- mouthing the snake even louder to bring its attention to you instead. If he gets hurt by the snake, the rest of SG-1 will assume you didn't try to get the snake's attention hard enough, and will treat you accordingly. Trust me here, you will prefer what the snake does to you over what we do. Teal'c can be extremely bad tempered when his favorite archeologist isn't protected well enough in his opinion.

SO THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE DOING WHEN YOU TWEAK THE SNAKES! I'M ON TO YOU NOW, O'NEILL.

7\. Think every single thing that Daniel asks you to let him do over very thoroughly! 

THAT'S ASSUMING YOU CAN UNDERSTAND IT. I'D SAY THAT IS STRETCHING BELIEF WITH YOU, COLONEL.

Get your science officer's opinion as well, if you have one.

YOU NEVER DO WHAT I WANT UNTIL SHE AGREES WITH ME. YOU RESPECT HER MORE THAN ME.

I will warn you now, you will have utilize all the discipline you've learned in the military to be firm when you tell this geek no. Because he will put you through the POUT if you don't instantly capitulate.

I'M AN ADULT AND A MAN, JACK. I DON'T POUT. I SCOWL.

When Dr. Jackson pouts, the rest of your team will immediately think you are a scum of the earth because you don't let him do what he wants. The natives, hell, even the snakes will feel the same way.

OH REALLY? THEN WHY DO YOU ALL NEVER AGREE WITH ME?

All I can say is DO NOT GIVE IN if it is a bad idea. Yes, this is a situation of do as I say, not as I do. He's had me wrapped around his little finger since the first trip through the gate, and what can I say? The man even makes friends with the Unas, fer crying out loud!

YOU ARE RATHER SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE EYELASH ROUTINE. HELL, CAN I HELP IT IF I HAVE TO USE EVERYTHING I'VE GOT JUST TO GET YOU TO LISTEN TO ME?

Just remember, if I allow him to do something dumb, he forgives me when he gets hurt, and so does the rest of SG-1.

I FORGIVE YOU A LOT, JACK. I SEEM TO BE DOING IT ALL THE TIME.

If you let him get hurt because you have balls of cotton, well, just don't go there if you want to live to be promoted to Brigadier General sometime soon. SG-1 (other than Daniel, of course) isn't very forgiving, you will find out.

HERE, MACKENZY, HERE MACKENZY, HEEEERRREEE'S JACK FOR YOUR LOVELY CLASSES.

8\. Get used to long lectures. Just do what I do, and either hush him up or daydream that you're in Hawaii or something. I imagine that I'm the artifact/culture/person that Daniel is waxing so happily about, and that's what gets me through. Remember, he is way smarter than anyone you know.

I ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU'RE IGNORING ME. YOU THINK OF ME? WEIRD. 

9\. Always bring along a good supply of the gourmet coffee the cafeteria stocks when you go off world with Daniel. They stock that for him. The sight of Dr. Jackson in a caffeine withdrawal (every morning) if you offer him the standard MRE coffee, will haunt you for years, otherwise. Plus, the rest of your team will think you are scum for treating Daniel so badly.

I AGREE WITH THIS ONE, SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH.

10\. Do not allow any person to share a tent with Daniel. This is a prerogative that only his SG-1 Commanding Officer gets. If I find out you have let anyone share with him, you're dead meat. The reason for this is that the man snuggles, for God's sake! I don't want him snuggling up to anyone without my prior approval, which you won't get.

ME! YOU WOULD CRAWL INTO MY SKIN IF THERE WAS ROOM, O'NEILL. YOU'RE ONE TO TALK. AND YOU SNORE, WHICH SUCKS. NOT TO MENTION ALWAYS BLAIMING YOUR SIDEARM WHEN YOU POKE ME.

11\. This may seem as if it is a very long list of requirements for the care and feeding of one civilian consultant. But when he saves your entire team, or finds the meaning of life for you, or, God help you, he actually smiles at you, you will see that he is well worth the trouble.

SEE YOU TONIGHT, YOU ANNOYING, OVERPROTECTIVE, IRRITATING BUNDLE OF MILITARY BONES, YOU. I LOVE YOU.

SIGNED, DR. DANIEL JACKSON, PHD, PHD, MS.


End file.
